Friday, December 5, 2008

One More Thing To Add To The List

An unfortunate thing happened at Bible study a few weeks ago. It's really ruined a lot of things for me.

I became convicted.

I really hate it when that happens.

But, I earned it. I spend too much time holding on to things that people have done to me. I spend too much time thinking of how I would confront someone with these things should they be so foolish as to accuse ME of wrong doing. I spend too much time being offended on others' behalf. And while I know this is terrible, I really hope I'm not the only person to fail like this.

My mom is a crazy cool lady. She is one of the most kind and merciful people I have met. And when people treat my mom unfairly, she is much faster to forgive than most people. But I take it upon myself to be offended for her. And, of course, this kind of behavior is true for anyone I care about. It's my "noble" duty.

The reason this is particularly frightening is that I'm sure that I'm practicing to become a really bad wife. I don't hold things against Jono now, but why wouldn't I get to that point at this rate? I really enjoy my marriage, and I'd really like to keep right on enjoying it.

And, of course, each little transgression that I add up takes me a step further from being like Jesus.

So, I had to give it up. When I think about something that used to make me so upset at that person, I think "I forgive them." And when a few hours later their name comes up and I get all riled, I think "I forgive them." It seems way too temporary to be authentic. But I figure if I do that long enough it's got to work eventually.

At least, I have to try.

And as I write this I'm thinking about how several people who might read this have every reason to be upset at me for past offences. So, I guess I'm hoping you'll practice forgiving me, too.


MagenRanae said...

Thanks for sharing your heart, Rachel. I totally know what you mean by thinking of things I would confront people with if they gave me the chance. :(

I've been thinking a lot about being willing to be taken advantage of. To be such a servant, that I don't care if people are taking advantage of me. We'll see how that goes.

tsbjf said...

That's a really good idea, inserting the "I forgive them" thought in when bad thoughts creep up. I will try this! I think everyone has had at least one injustice done to them that produces anger when remembered; I know I have. Thanks for sharing!

Jenny said...

When I was reading that I was thinking of Joanne as one person who is forgiving and doesn't hold grudges. I, on the other hand, am really bad about holding on to things. I decide I don't like someone from one little thing they do and don't really give them a chance after that. I have been trying to change and have forgiven a few people over the years. Still working on it with others.

Annemarie said...

The hardest part for me with that was understanding real forgiveness, and that it doesn't mean I condone their actions, or think what they did was right, it just means that I'm letting it go. I have a really hard time with this to. I'd never thought of it transferring to my hubby.

And it's true, it's not instant, but (if you read posts labeled "evil" in my blog, you'll know who I'm thinking of) it lets YOU go on, and they don't mess you up for every other person in your life anymore. A woman whom I went to church with gave me that advice, and it's some of the best I've ever gotten.

beth said...

You know, I struggle with that with Mom, too. She's so wonderful, and she never seems to take up her own offences, so it I just HAVE to, you know? But it doesn't help anything, and it just turns me into a bitter person who can't focus on anything but how evil that person is...Plus, it makes me overlook the times that I don't treat her well, myself. All in all, it's not a good thing. But I do understand where you are coming from. :)